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I figured that is what caused women to have such large families. They must all have or had these same sexual types of desires.I started to realize that if I kept on this way, a few things would happen. First I would most likely end up a basket case. Wanting and needing something that I know I can never have again, or maybe I would have to give up the only life I knew and start all over again and all alone. I would be outside the church and all alone. I just knew that was out of the question. Then of course maybe I would end up having sex in secret with a man or men if I was lucky. But then I knew that was also out of the question, Oh not because I didn't want to, but because I did not know how to with out being caught or used again. Talk about a dilemma, and something to drive a girl crazy. All the thinking in the last weeks would not help me devise a way to get what I wanted. During lunch some of the heavier nun's would walk around the school. I would walk the halls and around the. I decided thatthis Saturday I would play rugby and then after the match, tell the clubthat I would be unavailable for the rest of the season. I phoned thesurgery and made an appointment to see my friend Doug. He was not onlymy GP but also a team mate in the rugby club and a friend of longstanding.Sam and I searched the net for a reliable source of estrogen breastcream, testosterone blockers and female hormone pills. We found asupplier in Canada that checked out fairly well. Transgender chat roomswere quite useful and I registered on a couple just to get tips andinformation. I then started mugging up on the process of getting onto atransition programme. I spent hours reading through people's accounts oftheir transition. I was most interested in finding out what hadconvinced these individuals to go through all the agony and trauma ofbecoming a woman. The stories made hard reading in many cases, but I wasgoing to have to convince Doug and many others that I was serious.
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